Tuesday, September 22, 2009

The story of uncle Lazy Larsen

This is a story that my parents and my grandparents told to me when I was growing up as a kid. It is a story that I have repeated to my own kids. Here is how it goes.

Have you heard of the story of old Lazy Larsen? Oh, you haven't? Well, let me tell you about him.

Once upon a time there was an uncle that was so lazy, the people called him Lazy Larsen. He was so lazy that he wouldn't do anything for himself. He would not work. He would not feed himself. He expected others to do his work for him. The people were so exasperated with him, because he wouldn't do anything, they decided to bury him alive. So they put old Lazy Larsen into a coffin and they were taking him down main street to the cemetary to bury him. A person was going through town and stopped the funeral procession.

"Who died?"

"Oh, no one died. Old Lazy Larsen refuses to do anything. He won't work to provide for himself. He won't do anything. So we're going to bury him alive in the cemetary."

"Oh no, don't do that. If he needs food, I have a whole field of corn that he can have and he can live on for free."

Lazy Larsen rises up out of the coffin and asks, "Is the corn shelled and schucked?"

The passer by says, "No, it isn't. But that can be done easily enough."

Lazy Larsen says, "Drive on driver, drive on."

Lazy Larsen was so lazy that he was even unwilling to accept free food that required just a little bit of work to prepare.

Having the last word in an argument with my wife

In my High Priest Group, there is a guy that says he always gets the last word in any argument with his wife. What are his last words in any argument? "Yes dear."

I should learn my lesson.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Midlife crisis car

A guy that I used to work with is selling his Camaro. Its a 1995 Camaro convertible with 50,000 original miles on it. It has the Corvette LT1 engine in it. I've driven it before and its quite fast. Here's a picture of it from his online add listing:

Its a pretty sweet ride. He wants $7,500 for it, which is about $7,480 more than I can afford. (sigh) The wife said I could sell my new Camry and pick up the Camaro. Uhhh... No. Not that I'm in love with my Camry, but it gets 30 MPG, and this Camaro will probably get between 15 and 20 MPG. And if gas ever goes ballistic again, I'd be toast. So I'll live to covet a different day. I'm sure he'll sell the car sooner or later. And if my finances improve and its still available, this beauty may follow me home. But knowing him and knowing my finances, the chances of that happening are about the same as me winning the lottery (I don't play the lotto). But it sure would be a lot cheaper than a 2010 Ford Mustang GT........ Less than 1/4 the cost. Almost 1/5 the cost. But when you get paid and pay your bills and then you look at your checkbook balance and its almost down to where it was before you paid your bills, you know you can't add additional overhead to the budget. As much as I would love to think I could afford this beast, I really can't. Not today. Not tomorrow. Not ever. Period. Done. (sigh)

Friday, September 11, 2009

A time to move

I think it might be time to move. Maybe move to the mission field. Gotta think this one through.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Can I have some bread with that jelly, please?

WARNING: My blogs are written for people of all ages. However, this entry may be offensive to those that are under age 18 or 21. Perhaps even older readers. So if you're easily offended or if you're a minor, go read a different posting. Or go to lesser offensive site.

Whew! Yesterday I went in for an annual physical. I have some meds that need to be refilled and I thought that with my past history of random things breaking down, it was time to start the annual physical routine. The doctor I ended up visiting is higly recommended by one of our neighbors. My lame doctor that I've been seeing for nearly a decade has moved his practice further away than I want to drive. And he's gone "bad" in many different ways and at many different levels. He is a good person, just I have not been impressed with his medical skills as of late. So adios, amigo.

So I go in to see a new doctor. Wait probably an hour. He comes in and we talk about football from one of the local universities for probably 10 minutes. He writes up my prescription refill and then starts the exam. Everything good so far.

Finally he says, "OK, time to drop your drawers. Bend over the table, put your left arm on the exam table, use your right hand to pull on your right cheek. No, not the cheek on your face, the cheek on your rear end." (This guy has a pretty good sense of humor and he's making me laugh in preparation for an uncomfortable and ineveitable jelly finger exercise. Luckily he didn't empty the whole tube of KY jelly onto his finger.) So in goes the finger. I thought he was probing my stomach checking to make sure I really didn't eat any breakfast. Finally, after what seems like a weeks worth of probing (I have "Exit only" tatooed on my back side), he takes out his finger and says, "Well, your prostate is a bit on the enlarged side, but it feels nice and smooth, which is a good thing." They screen for colon cancer (test for blood in my stool) and rectal cancer (95% of all rectal cancers can be detected by digital inspection) in addition for prostate cancer. Everything "looked" good, or should I say, felt good. One of my coworkers says that he feels like he should at least be kissed before receiving "the treatment".

The doc and I talked about prostate health and what causes prostrates to enlarge. Some men's prostrates start enlarging at 35. Others at 40. Some even start in their 50s. He said, "The more you use it, the smaller it will stay." He even offered to write a prescription that I could give to my wife that would read "Sex, twice a day, for good prostrate health." We both laughed, but I declined the offer. Seriously though, he said that frequent intercourse helps clean out the prostrate and gets all the crud out that's in there. When I told the missus, she didn't believe me. I still don't think she believes me. So maybe the next time I see this guy, I'll take him up on the prescription. If nothing else, it would make for a good laugh.

So do I really want some bread with my jelly? If its grape jelly I do. But if its KY brand jelly, I think I'll pass.