Thursday, September 3, 2009

Can I have some bread with that jelly, please?

WARNING: My blogs are written for people of all ages. However, this entry may be offensive to those that are under age 18 or 21. Perhaps even older readers. So if you're easily offended or if you're a minor, go read a different posting. Or go to lesser offensive site.

Whew! Yesterday I went in for an annual physical. I have some meds that need to be refilled and I thought that with my past history of random things breaking down, it was time to start the annual physical routine. The doctor I ended up visiting is higly recommended by one of our neighbors. My lame doctor that I've been seeing for nearly a decade has moved his practice further away than I want to drive. And he's gone "bad" in many different ways and at many different levels. He is a good person, just I have not been impressed with his medical skills as of late. So adios, amigo.

So I go in to see a new doctor. Wait probably an hour. He comes in and we talk about football from one of the local universities for probably 10 minutes. He writes up my prescription refill and then starts the exam. Everything good so far.

Finally he says, "OK, time to drop your drawers. Bend over the table, put your left arm on the exam table, use your right hand to pull on your right cheek. No, not the cheek on your face, the cheek on your rear end." (This guy has a pretty good sense of humor and he's making me laugh in preparation for an uncomfortable and ineveitable jelly finger exercise. Luckily he didn't empty the whole tube of KY jelly onto his finger.) So in goes the finger. I thought he was probing my stomach checking to make sure I really didn't eat any breakfast. Finally, after what seems like a weeks worth of probing (I have "Exit only" tatooed on my back side), he takes out his finger and says, "Well, your prostate is a bit on the enlarged side, but it feels nice and smooth, which is a good thing." They screen for colon cancer (test for blood in my stool) and rectal cancer (95% of all rectal cancers can be detected by digital inspection) in addition for prostate cancer. Everything "looked" good, or should I say, felt good. One of my coworkers says that he feels like he should at least be kissed before receiving "the treatment".

The doc and I talked about prostate health and what causes prostrates to enlarge. Some men's prostrates start enlarging at 35. Others at 40. Some even start in their 50s. He said, "The more you use it, the smaller it will stay." He even offered to write a prescription that I could give to my wife that would read "Sex, twice a day, for good prostrate health." We both laughed, but I declined the offer. Seriously though, he said that frequent intercourse helps clean out the prostrate and gets all the crud out that's in there. When I told the missus, she didn't believe me. I still don't think she believes me. So maybe the next time I see this guy, I'll take him up on the prescription. If nothing else, it would make for a good laugh.

So do I really want some bread with my jelly? If its grape jelly I do. But if its KY brand jelly, I think I'll pass.


A Paperback Writer said...

But no woman who's ever had a pelvic exam (which is most women over the age of 20) really has much sympathy for men's complaints about rectal "invasions."
Glad you're in good health. :)

Tom said...

You know, those are the exact same comments my wife gave me. Absolutely no sympathy whatsoever. Sigh. Oh well.